Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store....as yet, the store isn't ready...only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now sone tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes hee." Without sskipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"
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A guy walks into a local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, you know I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just obtained a job opening from a wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garge. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're kiddin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wofe, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back my word. I promised that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."